Breaking Down Boston's Bums

My of my favorite subjects is the bums of this city, people look at them as a whole group, but in reality there are subcultures of these people in the city and i'm going to identify these people for you so you know what to look for and know what to expect. I'm a guy of the people

(P.S. This is a rare early PS, but i'm listening to an old bill simmons podcast right now going over week 2 of the nfl season, and they are talking about Bernard Pollard, so if this post gets vulgar then that is why)

1. The over-the-top nice Bum- This is the one that compliments you as you walk by, especially if you have a nice looking young lady on your arm, and with the kellsters it happens very often :). (hey dont h8 on my for getting brownie points you would if you could too). They always compliment who you are with, or they open the door for you as you walk into store 24, and you come out and they know you just bought something for under 2 dollars and didn't use your atm card cuz of the lousy minimum, and you should have coins on you and you gotta pull the line "sorry dont have any change" and as you walk by you can clearly hear the change in you pocket. I dislike this group, granted they are trying to do something for you, like opening the door, but don't expect some change because you call me sir, or opened the door. This is the guy (granted i dont get this anymore really) who says "hey big man" I HATE this with a passion and have told many a bum that if they see a larger man, DO NOT call them big man, it's not cute.

The Holy Bum- This is the one that isn't really asking for change, but just shouting jesus or other religious related material. "Jesus is Coming" is said by one in the middle of downtown crossing, who has the vocal chords from the heavens, because he can shout as loud as he can for hours. Some of them do try and pull the jesus card for change, "jesus blesses you" that is not going to convince me to give you. Oh wait jesus wants me to give you change? you should have told me here is my atm card and my pin, notice i didnt say pin number, which is like saying atm machine, but that is for another day.

The Liar- This is the type that comes up to you with a "broke down" or "just need a couple bucks to get on the bus" I have seen the same guy who is 2 bucks shy of getting to Lowell for 2 years. I feel bad for this guy who cant seem to round up 200 pennies to get to Lowell, he could have walked there and saved 23 months of begging.

The Sob Story- This is very similar to The Liar- this is the person who comes up and tells you their mother is in the hospital or they have a dog to feed. I would call them liars but they really do need their own subculture. They will get enough for their dogs bone marrow transplant by riding up and dowm the B line.

The Greedy Bastard - This is my least favorite bum, this is the one that comes up to you and says "can you spare a dollar or two" hey come on, dont ask for a dollar! I can see asking for change but a dollar really? Here let me give you my hard earned dollar just because you asked. they should realize how greedy this is. you are in no position to be asking for way more than you should be getting.

The Ungreatful Bastard- This is the one that gives you the evil eye for not donating or donating not enough. Sometimes this ballsy bastard will say something like "come on" One time while i had a few drinks in me, this guy tried to pull this card on me, and i went off and my co-workers had to make me walk away. Not to be elitist but you are begging me for change and if i dont give you any, dont make any smart ass comments.

The Comedian- I give this guy props for having a funny side, but for real, the "why lie i need a beer" is way overplayed. time to come up with some fresh material, adn i dont like the whole "will ____ for food" or variations of that. If i see some true initative out there i'll be willing to shed a crisp george washington.

The Lazy Bum- This guy is the one that doenst even bother asking just holds a cup or hat, they are one step away from giving up. This is where the full beards start to come into play, or the shaws bag full of their goodies. they havent showered in months and is saving nickles up to by nips of vodka.

The Grifter- this is the guy who is begging but wearing nicer clothes than me. How can you have fresh nikes and sunglasses, chains, watches and nice laundered clothing and be asking me for change. Granted these guys are very funny and talkative but come on, who do you think you are fooling.

The End of the Road Guy- This is the guy who gave up completely, and doenst even hold out a cup or anything, that just either sleeps on benches or wanders around.

I think that is a good recap of boston bums, i didn't get into specific people but i think there might be enough for a different blog post, we'll see. Thanks bloggers it's been a thin slice of heaven.

PPS - I FUCKING HATE BERNARD POLLARD.